Miracle on 40th street

It's a miracle I was able to drive there without bawling.

I was bringing April to her two month checkup today. Yeah, 2 1/2 weeks late. My insurance with the Blaze was cut off so we couldn't go to her regular Kaiser doctor. We had to go to some random doctor who had never seen her and pay out of pocket (another story...$500. Gulp!).

Anyhow, I have never been to this place so I just look up the address and head on my way. I know it's on 40th street. I don't know where 40th street is, but they're in number order so whatever. 37th, 38th, 39th....Oh, there it is. Ooooooh. There it is. It looks so familiar. I haven't been down this street since last January. This is where my former OB/GYN's office is. The one I dumped after he told me my second pregnancy, that I would soon miscarry was "oh, you've got another bad pregnancy here". Thanks. That is the vaguest memory, though. I'm flooded with the visions of all the visits for my pregnancy with Julian. Especially those last few where he told us our baby was dying and there was nothing we could do about it. I could see that little office so vividly in my mind. Not the exam room. But that stupid office with all his plaques and awards on the wall. I remember staring at them to keep my mind off of why we were in this stupid little room with leather chairs instead of a cold, bright, exam room. I could see those tissues on the desk that I wanted to reach for so badly, but I knew if I picked one up, I'd never stop crying. At least if I am wiping my tears on my arm it would be incentive to stop.

My heart felt broken in half as I drove by his office. I could feel the lump in my throat. I thought it was going to burst. Just as I was about to let it all out and start bawling, I realized Track 9 was over and I could hear April sniffling.

I quickly reset it, took a deep breath, and pulled myself together. I try to remind myself that if God hadn't taken Julian away, April wouldn't be here. Julian was made to be an angel and April was made to be here on earth. That's just the way it was supposed to be but I didn't know it at the time.

....


Her appointment went well. She is 12lb 2oz (but she had just had a 4oz bottle in the office) and 24.5" long. Long and skinny. 95+ percentile for height and ~50 percentile for weight. Reminds me of me before I got fat! She is in the 5th percentile for weight compared to height. I'm not sure if that's bad but the doctor didn't seem concerned. She had 4 shots and has been fussy all day because of them. I am actually going to get her some baby Tylenol right now....