Crap day.

Today was one of those days where your body is tired and achy from the crying. Where you brain is fried and your mascara is all over your face.

It all started with a dream I had early this morning. I was at my mom's house going through some old pictures when I came across pictures she had taken of Julian (she was with us during the whole ordeal). But he was full term and seemingly healthy. But not alive. I asked her why she had never shown me the pictures and she told me it was because she didn't want me to know that we had the induction and it turned out he was healthy. I told her he looked full-term though and he must have been born alive and she said yes, he was. I asked what happened then and she explained that they put him in a box and wouldn't feed him until he eventually died.

I woke up in a frenzy. You know, when you have a dream that you aren't quite sure was a dream and you try to sort it out in your head as you're waking up.

The rest of the day I was overcome with this insanely horrible feeling in my heart. I have always regretted not holding him or even looking at him, but I've been at peace with my decision knowing it was right for my emotional health at the time. Ralph and I talked long and hard about whether or not we would see him and we decided it was best not to because of all of the things wrong with his tiny body.

Well then I got to thinking "oh God what if he WAS alive? and we just let him lay there and die and some nurses took him in a room somewhere where he suffered to death?!" Logically, I know this is not true as a 17 week baby would likely not even make it through the rigors of labor and delivery alive, much less be born and still continue to breathe. But I can't stop thinking about it.

I called my mom to ask her if she got some pictures I had sent her and I started telling her about the dream and my crappy day. I told her how horrible I felt and she reassured me that I had done the right thing by choosing not to see him. I just feel like such a horrible mother - that I couldn't even look at my baby because he wasn't perfect. I know to me he would have been perfect but at the time I knew I couldn't handle it. So then I asked my mother what he looked like. (After he was born, she checked to make sure it was him as I was pretty numb). I think she was trying to make me feel better by saying "he didn't really look like a real baby". Now I am sure she was right...at 17 weeks he was red and kinda see-through, and so tiny, not to mention the tumors, severe swelling, and misplaced organs. But it hit me in my gut. She was trying to make me see that it wasn't good for me at the time to see his body like that, but God it hurt so bad. I just thought "oh my God, everyone thinks he's ugly and his own mother couldn't even hold him". I know that his body was just his vessel. And his body was broken. It didn't work right. But just to hear that he didn't look like a real baby...to hear that about your baby. It's painful. I know my mom didn't mean any harm at all by telling me that. She's been very supportive from day of the bad diagnosis. It just broke my heart.

Well then the rest of the night was a shit-fest of me crying to Ralph about what a horrible mother I am. I've never even seen Julian, now he's in an urn on a shelf. The only ultrasound picture we have is from 6 weeks because the next ultrasound we had done was the bad one. And each one after that was worse and worse. It never crossed my mind to ask for a picture to keep. Besides I'm sure all they took was pictures of the tumors and defects.

I think tomorrow I am going to called the perinatalogist and ask him for a half-decent picture if he has one. Just one where I can see his hand, or his foot, or his nose. Heck, anything. I just want to have something to look at that is him other than his ashes. I've never seen my own son and it hurts.

I guess I just hope he knows I love him. I think about him every day. I thank God for the gifts and lessons his life brought. And I hope he knows he changed my life forever. I don't want him to think that I didn't think he was beautiful. I've never seen him and I know he was. I hope he sees all the tears I've cried longing for him back; wishing I could do it all over and change so many things; aching to hear him cry.

I know I sound like a big old baby but this has been one of the worst Julian days in a long time. For a year I've been able to shed a few tears then smile but I've been falling apart today. I can't wait to go to sleep and pretend this day never happened.