What might have been

Had we not heard the words "incompatible with life" in October of 2007, we would be the parents of a one-year-old, not a 5 month old.

But we did and so we are. I count my blessings. I have an angel watching over my family. No one knew him but me, but a lot of people feel him. He taught me lessons that I would have never learned. Without losing him, I wouldn't have my sweet April.

I hate to say I have "moved on", because I haven't. But I've accepted what has happened to us and our baby as what was meant to be. Maybe I needed an angel. Maybe I needed a baby girl, and not a baby boy. Maybe I needed a little more time. I have accepted that God's plan for my son is not the same plan I had.

Even in acceptance, though, there is hurt. What hurts the most is just never knowing him. Seeing April and knowing what I am missing is so painful. But I am so lucky to have been given the gift of a child here on earth.

It's easy to lose sight sometimes; when things go wrong or when something you longed for was taken away from you. It's easy to be angry and bitter. And I was for a long time.

Yesterday, we bought 12 baby blue balloons. For the 12 months old Julian would have been. We went out to his new tree in our front yard and released them into the wind. A big gust came along and picked them up, high into the sky. They were out of sight within a minute. Ralph said a prayer and we thanked God for his life and love. April was upset because I made her let go of the two balloons she held. She loves balloons.